


Without you

by viflow



Series: YOU RAISE ME UP [2]
Category: Merlin (TV), Merthur - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Dry Humping, Episode s04 e02/ The darkest our related, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Merlin in love, POV Arthur, arthur in love, pov leon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-08 14:23:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12256146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viflow/pseuds/viflow
Summary: Arthur's voice crumbles and he strokes Merlin's hair again before he slides his hand below the blanket and down Merlin’s arm, lacing their fingers together, squeezing lightly as the cold radiates out of Merlin’s body.





	1. Chapter 1

Merlin is shivering and his breathing is laboured, but a laboured breathing means alive. And alive means Arthur can keep pretending that there's still hope, that there's still a chance Gaius can fix him.... and Merlin will survive. 

The fire catches on with a popping sound in the eerie quite. Arthur takes a deep breath, choked with the forest’s rotten, dead leaves and cold, damp earth. The rain starts to drizzle and the sky stays ominous and angry, the stars shrouded by heavy clouds, in perfect harmony with Arthur’s mood.

He flexes his hand against the ache. The pain. He had always known death was painful, but this was different. The sight of Merlin’s stiff, shivering body feels like a knife between Arthur’s ribs, stabbing at something deep inside his chest. Something Arthur isn't willing to examine too closely, not when Merlin....

He just stares at Merlin's too pale, ice cold face, listening to his ragged breath: in and out, in and out. 

"Hey," He brushes his hand through Merlin's adorably messy hair, his chest aching as the still cool strands slip through his fingers. "I know you're in a pretty bad shape, and I know you think I'm a prat but--- just this once--- don't get used to it, considering what a miserable example of a servant you already are... Well... you take all the time you need. And I -- I must admit, I'm worried about you. I don't like seeing you like this... You know, how hard it is for a good servant to come by. I don't -- " 

Arthur's voice crumbles and he strokes Merlin's hair again before he slides his hand below the blanket and down Merlin’s arm, lacing their fingers together, squeezing lightly as the cold radiates out of Merlin’s body.

Somebody gently suggesting to take over his place by Merlin side, and surely Arthur should be alerted being caught clutching Merlin’s hand and probably he needs to put himself together, but he couldn’t care less about what he should do, and shaking his head, he refuses to leave Merlin’s side. 

He wouldn’t leave him for a second. He can’t. 

He knows he should say something, but he doesn't want to talk to anyone or think about anything. He hasn’t spoken to anybody since he’d gasped Merlin’s name out. Since Merlin fell to the ground. Since the thud of his lifeless body as it hit the ground rang like thunder in Arthur’s shocked ears. Since Arthur's body had shook with disbelief and he was stunned into silence. 

But he did manage to pull Merlin’s dead weight into his lap, clutching him into his body and lift him. He did manage to bear him alone with a horrible pit of cold despair in his stomach. He did manage to carry him all the way through the forest and wrap him in thick blankets, before laying him down next to the fire- his knights managed to set up in record time. 

And the next day when Merlin- his body crumbled over his horse- is out of Arthur’s sight, he just stands there, staring after Merlin until his eyes burn, and he is fighting, hard, the tears, stinging in his eyes. His chest is tight and his throat closes up as something sharp is stabbing inside, digging at something reckless underneath his skin.

Merlin’s been always by his side. He’s been the only one constant Arthur has ever had in his life, and with every step the horse took him away, Arthur's heart twisted until it feels like a tight, throbbing knot. His angst and guilt gnawing at everything inside his chest with the force of a living thing.

He should be the one taking Merlin home. He should be the one by Merlin’s side. He should be the one guarding Merlin’s every broken breath.


	2. Chapter 2

Leon was worried about his Prince.  
   
Of course, he was always worried about Arthur for one reason or another. As a Crowned Prince his life was more prominently in danger than most. Strange occurrences, attacks: magic and otherwise, abductions, injuries and even almost mortal wounds, seemed to walk in hand to hand with Arthur and Merlin. It did not help that Arthur could be both alarmingly reckless and distressingly self-sacrificial, risking his life with no thought of the consequences. Given the number of times Arthur has been in danger recently or came too close to die for Leon’s comfort, not to mention the nature of their actual quest, Leon thought his concern for Arthur's well-being was justified.  
 

It was difficult not to notice his Prince’s silent suffering. It was hard to watch the genuine heartbreak in that usually composed, strong face. More emotion than Leon had ever seen combined in the years he had known Arthur. 

He- just like the others: Gwaine, Percival, Elyan and Lancelot- has always known that despite his behavior, Arthur cared deeply for Merlin. That these two have always had a very strange and very strong emotional connection, and Leon suspected it was even more than that. He wasn’t sure about the depths and nature of that bond, but...

He would never say that out loud. None of them would. Sure, sometimes, when the mood was light enough, between the four of them they made teasing comments about Arthur’s and Merlin’s unusual relationship. But there always has been a raised, red flag about the nature and limit of those teasing.

From the minute Merlin’s horse took him away, Arthur said no more than, yes, no, thank you, fine or instructed a series of orders.

Not like Arthur has been exactly chatty before, but at some point, Leon can’t say when, their constant teasing and bickering with Merlin or their murmured private chats, became natural and expected, a reassuring, light-hearted background noise. And now, the absence of that made Arthur’s quietness the more noticeable and heavy.

Usually, he wouldn’t touch the ‘Merlin situation’ with a ten-foot pole. But after days of nearly perfect silence from Arthur, unnatural and deep, there was no more chance to ignoring it, even if the man himself wanted Leon to.

Usually, he would walk away when that type of Arthur’s defense was up. Usually, he’d know it wasn’t his place and it would only induce Arthur’s resentment or self-righteous anger if addressed on personal matters.  Leon knew Merlin was the only one allowed that kind of openness toward Arthur, the only one Arthur accepted that kind of talk from. He also knew that Merlin was the only one Arthur opened up for. The only one possessing Arthur’s complete and utter trust.

But, even knowing all that-Leon did anyway- began to walk toward Arthur. He tried to read Arthur’s expression, but as far as he could tell, there was nothing but grief and tension; building brick by brick, with a desperate attempt to tamp it under a stoic face. It hurted Leon to see the grief, Arthur tried too hard, to hide away from his knights. See the way he was stricken with all the losses they’ve dealt with in the past two days. And seeing all that pain and heartbreak in Arthur's eyes, was the final straw for Leon to break his own rule.

Standing before his Prince, he hesitated only for a second before he said gently. “You did the right thing, you know. Merlin couldn't have continued with us.”

Arthur shook then bowed his head. "Should've saved him," he said quietly, voice rough and loaded with guilt.

"If anyone can take Merlin back to Camelot, Lancelot can," Leon said, trying to sound more reassuring than he really felt.

Maybe it wasn't the right thing to say, because there was a momentarily tickle in Arthur's muscle and Leon could see from Arthur's expression that his words only twisted the knife.

It was difficult to walk away from Arthur, but Leon knew there was nothing more he could do or say to ease the horrifying burden Arthur was currently carrying.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the deleted scene because I liked it better than the one we saw on the show.  
> I might add one more chapter with Arthur's Pov and a bit of a smut. Haven't decided yet...

“Lancelot?” Arthur asks, and on the next breath, "How is Merlin?”

“Bad news....” Lancelot starts, and Leon's heart is constricting painfully in his chest. A sick-sour taste is burning the back of his throat at the possible meaning of those two short words.

When he glances toward Arthur: the sharp intake of his Prince’s breath, the way his expression morphs into a mix of pure horror and anguish, the trembling of Arthur's lips and the little sway of his feet is painful to watch. For a split of a second Leon even has a very distinct sensation, that Arthur is going to crumple to the floor.

But then, Lancelot shrugs and with a wide smile announces, “-- He is still alive.”

And Merlin sways in and relief washes over Leon like a wave, easing the harrowing sense of loss that's threatened to choke him since Lancelot's ( the bastard) prank.

As soon as he enters, Merlin has eyes only for his Princes, looking straight at Arthur from across the room. His face’s splitting into the widest smile Leon had ever seen on his face, spreading over Merlin's features like the sun rising after a long, dark night, and his eyes shining even brighter for all the emotions he has for his prat.

Even Leon has to concede; that the way Merlin's face lights up and his eyes crinkle, makes him look somehow beautiful and adorable.

Leon hears as a deep and long, shaky breath rushes out of Arthur’s chest, he’s been probably holding in since Lancelot’s appearance. And when he turns to look at his Prince, Leon notices the small trembles of the other man's lips before they slowly curve up into a gentle smile, then, transform into a genuine, happy grin. Arthur's eyes are fixated on Merlin, and the look on his face is a mix of pure joy, relief, wonder and awe. He takes a wobbly step towards Merlin then stops. His voice is thick and only shake a little when Merlin’s name breaks through his lips.

“Merlin,”

Something soft and warm unfurls in Leon’s chest. He had never seen both his Prince and his friend look as blissfully happy as they look in that moment. Leon smiles, clearing his throat as he swallows a laugh. Because it's obvious that neither of them seems to have any sort of awareness of the fact that they've been beaming at each other for long-long seconds. Much-much longer than considered acceptable in the company of others.

And if it hasn't been self-evident to all five of them before that there was something more than friendship between Arthur and his manservant — if any of them had any doubts about how deep Arthur’s feeling towards Merlin run, if anybody harboured the slightest uncertainty if Arthur was smitten with Merlin in a strictly not friendly way — the scene before them surely confirmed the last doubts any of them ever had about that.

Then Gwaine gets his arms around Merlin, clutching him tightly to his body, breaking whatever haze these two have been under.

Merlin gets hugged by everyone. And when it’s Leon's turn, the feel of Merlin’s body: warm and solid beneath his hands, lets Leon breath more freely than he'd in the past couple of days.

And while Merlin goes from his friends’ hand to hand, through it all, Arthur doesn't seem to be able to tear his gaze away from his manservant's face. Like he's afraid Merlin will disappear at the very second, he takes his eyes away. Like, he still can’t believe the miracle before him.

Standing aside, he’s waiting patiently with a contemplative smile. When Merlin finally stands before him, the two of them share another over-long, emotional look, communicating with each other in their unique way, without the need of words. When Arthur speaks at least, his voice is steady and aimed for casual.

“It’s good to see you Merlin,” Arthur says, using his serious voice that he usually reserves for his courtiers. But his efforts at nonchalance are badly belied by the unabashed fondness in his eyes.

“Yeah. It’s good to see you too.” Merlin replies in the same manner, then his face breaks into another sunny smile. 

And that’s when Arthur finally breaks. His hand catches and curls around the back of Merlin's neck, fingers lingering against Merlin's skin. Then he hugs Merlin right there in the open, longer than he probably should, and when they pull apart, he only lets go to clasp Merlin's face in his hands. Because obviously Arthur just can’t stop touching his manservant.

He just can't.

And when Leon turns his head to look at his friends, he notices that the corners of Gwaine’s mouth are quivering with a badly suppressed, knowing smile. And they’re-- all five of them-- pretending, that they don’t see the way; Arthur’s thumb brushes, then stops over the thrum of Merlin' pulse while something full and deep is swirling in his eyes.

......................

The events of the last couple of days caught up with Leon and he passed out rather quickly, but when he is waking up with an aching head and a sore neck and a bruise on his side from the hard floor, it must be still in the middle of the night, because he can see the stars high through the window. The logs in the fire are creaking and the room lightens when its flames flicker up. Leon shifts his weight and rubs his hand over his face and he is about to sit up when he hears a soft mumble from the fire and cuts himself off.

When he glances up, he sees Merlin and Arthur still sitting by the fire, engrossed in a quiet conversation, their faces visible as the flames slicing before them. And despite the burden of the guest before them, the air feels intimate and cozy around them, and Arthur’s expression is content and light-hearted for the first time since...since the dorocha's attack taunted them with Merlin’s death.

So, no matter how extremely uncomfortable his current position is, Leon tips his head back against the cold floor and closes his eyes, not wanting to alert them to his awareness and disrupt their privacy.

“All the things I faced, I've never been worried about dying.” Arthur admits quietly, and Leon is surprised by the openness and vulnerability in his voice. _Though_ he doesn't know why, because while usually Arthur refrains from showing weakness in front of others, Leon always suspected that Merlin was prone to this softer, tenuous, more vulnerable side of his Prince.

“Don't think, you should be now,” Merlin answers gently.

“Sometimes, you _do_ , puzzle me,” Arthur says, and Leon knows by the tone he’s trying to pull off funny over serious, but Leon is sure- as it often happens, where Merlin is concerned- the amusement doesn’t reach all the way to Arthur eyes, where usually something deeper blends into those blue irises.

“You never fathomed me out?” Merlin asks, and Leon can imagine that he’s quirking an eyebrow in that cheeky way of his.

“No.” And there is a weight in Arthur's reply.

“Well...” Merlin starts, “I was told if things had been different, we'd have been good friends.”

A soft, sad look crosses Arthurs' face and he clears his throat. “Yeah...” he sighs finally, sounding defeated.

“If you weren't such an arrogant, pompous, dollophead,” Merlin adds and his voice's a little lighter, curling up at the edges like he's smiling.

Arthur huffs under his breath and when Leon chances a quick glance, he sees Arthur rolling his eyes and shaking his head at Merlin in that exasperated but fond way, he has only for him. A smile tugs the corner of Arthur's mouth until he can’t hold it in anymore and sputters out a laugh. A rare, deep rumbling chuckle, Leon hasn’t heard from him in ages.

In response, Merlin’s mouth turns up into a small smile, but his eyes are beaming. They stare at each other for a minute, long enough for Leon to feel like the air becomes static, crackling around them with all the unspoken feelings they must have in their hearts.

A dull ache starts to chew a hole in Leon’s chest. A heavy sadness is crowding up into his throat until it twists into a knot, so tight, Leon feels like he can barely breathe through it. His eyes are stinging.

He’s sad for his friends. But, he's angry too. He feels furious at the unfairness of it all. These two people are the best, the most compassionate men he has ever known. And after everything Arthur and Merlin has given, after every sacrifice they've made- this is what it comes to.

When he dares another look, he sees the way Merlin's face changes. A complicated look crosses his face, a mix of anger and pensiveness and sadness. “That's what you have to remember...” there is a long stretch of silence before Merlin continues. “--Things never turn out how you expect.“ His eyes are closing on Arthur’s, he opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again. Finally, he manages, ”-- We'll see...”

Arthur's eyes keep searching Merlin's face with a bit of a wonder thrown into them.

Merlin sighs long and deep. “We'll defeat the dorocha. We'll. Together.” He declares with deep conviction.

“I appreciate that.” Arthur says softly, then he fumbles around in his bag at his feet. When he finds what he was looking for, he is sitting up straight and showing it to Merlin. “That's belonged to my mother. Bears her sigil.“ He makes a soft, sad noise. “ Here--” he says, offering the sigil to Merlin.

Merlin gasp out loud, “Arthur I can't---”

“ _Just_....take it.” Arthur insists and he is sounding weirdly uptight.

A startled noise catching in the back of Leon’s throat, and it takes years of serving in the court as an impartial knight of the law, for him to keep it down. Surely, Arthur is not implying—no, surely he must be misreading this. It can’t be...because Arthur must be fully aware of the meaning of this.

And when Leon looks there, he’s pretty sure he’s not imagining it: the way a hot flush of color burns up Arthur’s jaw and into his cheeks.

And sure enough, when he evaluates his Prince’s expression, there is something, he hadn’t been expecting. Arthur's face is a mix of a trembling hope and sheer determination, combined with a half-terrified look as if he is fearing rejection.

But he never had to worry about that. Even though Merlin was gaping at him with a wide-eyed surprise for a long minute, and he looked a split second from fainting (and it was killing Leon not to crack up) --the initial shock slowly morphed into awe and wonder, and Merlin's face splits up into a beautiful smile, and his gaze is even brighter from the moisture gathering in his soulful eyes.

Leon doesn’t even bother to hide his grin this time. The way these two are lost in each other eyes, there is absolutely no danger they would be aware of him.

:

Their eyes still locked, palm up, slowly, Merlin stretches out a hand. A wordless acceptance of the token of Arthur’s love.

Arthur leans in and places the sigil in Merlin’s palm, then covers Merlin's palm with his and laces their fingers together. He slowly reaches for Merlin’s other hand and brushes his thumb over Merlin's wrist.

Merlin takes in a sharp, shaky breath, “Arthur, what—“ he starts, 

“ _Merlin_... ” Arthur says softly, exasperation mixing with affection in his voice, then he sighs under his breath. He hunches closer to Merlin and cups Merlin's face in his hands. Then he's stroking his fingers across Merlin's cheek, along his jaw, then slides his hand to the back of Merlin's neck and tucks his thumb behind Merlin's ear. His eyes roaming over Merlin’s face, soft and loving, and there is something more…what could you even call it? Something fuller, deeper, gentler, with a crinkle at the corners of his eyes that Leon recognizes now as Arthur’s tell for his adoration and love for his clumsy manservant. “ --Shut up,” Arthur whispers with a tender smile, shaking his head. Then he leans in and kisses Merlin, soft and long and thorough. 

Merlin makes a soft, surprised noise into the kiss, but he grabs and twists the front of Arthur's chain mail with both hands, pulling him closer.

Leon gaps at them for five solid seconds until it occurs to him, that it's his cue to close his eyes.

After the combination of shock and delight the sight called forth in him, something warm bubbles up in Leon's chest then spreads over into his heart.

They'd been circling around this for years — Leon knew that much — and after everything Leon witnessed in the last days, it was painfully clear that his Prince was in love with his manservant.

It had shocked Leon, only in that he never expected Arthur to ever act on it. He just never figured anything would come of it. Arthur was too good at suppressing his feelings, and he was too unselfish, too loyal for his own good and had a tendency to sacrifice his happiness for what he considered the best for Camelot and her people. So, Leon was expecting to suffer from the sexual tension between these two until the end of the world.

He smiles when he chances a quick look and sees Arthur catching a slightly dazed Merlin’s hand and pulling him up and out of the room, away from possible prying eyes.

 

Right now everything is quiet and dark, there is nobody else up yet. Just the three of them. Maybe, Merlin and Arthur can have this tonight, just this once, get it out of their systems before their world might go down tomorrow. Maybe, for now, these two can have a bit of happiness after everything they’ve been through. Because, damn right, of all the people in the world, these two deserve that.

And it is evident that the ultimate happiness for Arthur and Merlin means the other.

So, who is he to judge that, Leon thinks with a happy, wide smile, and finally shifts onto his other side.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last and final chapter I promised. Not proof read yet, might go through it tomorrow. So sorry for any mistakes you might find.  
> 

“Bad news…” Lancelot starts,

The only sound Arthur can hear is the wild rushing of his pulse in his ears. A horrible weight pressing between his shoulders, at the front of his chest. The air is nothing, he feels like choking as everything inside him breaking and collapsing. His knees shake and Arthur knows he is a split second away from hitting the hard surface...

Then he walks in…

His beautiful eyes are shining as they are focusing on him, wrapping around him like sunshine, warming him up and grounding him from tumbling down.

The widening hole that threatened to tear up Arthur’s chest suddenly snaps close. The air rushes out of his throat as he takes a deep, long needed, shuddering breath. His heart is thudding wildly as their eyes lock together.

Merlin is smiling, one of those rare, beautiful smiles that always makes Arthur’s knees a little weak, and makes him helpless to resist being drawn into its orbit.

The need- to move, to wrap his arms around Merlin, to hide his face into his neck and breath him in to confirm it’s real, he is really back- is so strong Arthur’s skin is crawling with it. Before he realizes what he's doing, he takes an unsteady step forward but his hands and legs are still shaking, his knees wobbling, so he stops abruptly. 

His mind still reeling from the grief, relief, confusion and happiness, Arthur closes his eyes for a fracture of a second and takes a deep breath.

It’s just too much.

When he looks up again, Merlin is still there, beautiful as ever. And he is still watching him, his gorgeous eyes turned even softer, and the intensity and deep affection Arthur sees in the look-- makes him feel safe and cherished.

His heart is crawling up into his throat as he lets himself lost in the depths of that incredible blue, and his voice is cracking when Merlin’s name falls through his lips.

“ Merlin,”

He feels as his face is splitting up into a wide smile, and he knows that they are beaming at each other longer than they should, and he can practically feel his knights curious gaze on them, but he can’t make himself to tear his eyes away. Because holding Merlin’s gaze it’s the only way to let it sink in--

Gwaine beats him with the hug, successfully popping their bubble. But Arthur doesn’t mind. He’s happy to stand aside, looking Merlin over again, and again, and again, feeling grateful to his core to be able to do so.

And he also needs time to put himself together, time for his guard to go up. Because, yes, he has questions. Because, right now pain, anger, and joy all fighting for his attention.

And when Merlin finally stands before him, he’s still fighting his inner battles. His heart is beating too hard, too fast. He clears his throat and says, aiming for something cool, “ It’s good to see you Merlin,” he manages to grunt out through the constrict in his throat.

Merlin replies, ‘’Yes, me too’’, and his eyes are wide and hopeful and his smile is so happy and ridiculously warm, and everything, all the carefully created façade is just crumbling down…

Arthur knows he shouldn't touch, but still confused, still shaking from confused energy, he lets out a shaky sigh and finds himself cupping the back of Merlin’s neck and pulling the astonished man into a tight hug. His hand lingers at the curve of Merlin’s neck a little too long, but he doesn’t care. He dips his cheek in just a little, so, that he could feel the smooth skin of Merlin’s neck. _Just_   _for_ _a_ _moment_ , Arthur tells himself before he buries his nose and breathes Merlin in. The smell of him, his warmth, his closeness. He takes a deep breath. And another.

Finally letting Merlin this close is just too much. Arthur wanted to do it for years, and the warm press of Merlin’s body against his, the way Merlin’s breath hitchers against his neck and the way Merlin holding him tightly like it’s everything that matters-doesn’t really help.

A sad ache digs underneath his ribs while he steels himself to pull back.

But pulling back means looking Merlin straight in the eyes, and that turns out to be worse than holding him. Their eyes locked together, he can’t move away. He’s drawn by those beautiful eyes and by Merlin’s warm- finally- finally, really-really warm-pulsing, living body. Slowly, without his permission, his hands move up to palm Merlin’s face and he strokes then tucks his thumb behind Merlin's ear, over the crazy thrum of his pulse.

………………..

 

Merlin’s gorgeous eyes narrow, watching him in a way that always manages to make Arthur feel naked and exposed. He wants to squirm under that familiar scrutiny but he takes a deep breath and forces himself to hold Merlin's gaze. And before he is realising, his confession is rolling from his tongue. “All the things I faced, I've never been worried about dying.”

Because he’s missed it, missed him, and because he knows he can’t hide it, not from Merlin.

And when Merlin ducks his head and quirks his eyebrow, lips curling into a cheeky smile that’s so achingly familiar-just right before he insults him- warm flatters in Arthur ‘s chest and he can’t help the laugh.

Then Merlin’s face shifts into serious and he tells him in that sincere, firm, comforting way of his, that makes Arthur feel precious and protected---(no matter how ridiculous the idea is) that they’d defeat this horrible creature Arthur is for the first time in his life afraid of,---he feels like crying.

And he wants to give Merlin everything.

He's never been good at this kind of thing. He doesn't really know how to deal with something as difficult, foreign and terrifying as voicing his emotion is.

For his horror he’s feeling the tips of his ears flare up and he is getting more flustered by the second as he offers Merlin the only thing that's left of her, the one possesion he values above all, the one that's most precious.

He waits with his breath held for Merlin to accept it, and for seconds there is a short, tense, wide-eyed silence from Merlin, whispering, “Arthur I can’t ….” and Arthur steels himself for what he believes is inevitable rejection, and he’s terrified he'll have to explain it to a man he has been in love with for years.

There is a minuscule twitch of Merlin’s lovely brow as it wrinkles together before smoothing back out, his seductive lips parting as the enormity and sincerity of what Arthur is offering comes to realization. And the moisture gathering in his beautiful eyes and the small tremble of his lips, tell Arthur all he needs to know.

He has a very distinct sensation at that moment, like standing on the top of a very steep hill and realizing that you are about to tumble down, and he knows, he shouldn't make this any worse than it already is, but he wants it -- Christ, he wants it --

He has loved Merlin so long he doesn't really know how to live without him. Without the constant nagging in his chest. Tomorrow, he might sacrifice his life to save Camelot, but in that few, horrible seconds when he found Merlin on the ground, when his ice-cold chest didn't move with breath, Arthur would have given his life a thousand times over and over to save  _him._ And in the past two days, he realized; he was glad to die because he didn't want to live if Merlin didn’t make it. Loving Merlin has been the purest thing in his life, and the only regret he had in his grief-stricken mind was, that Merlin had never known the depth of that love – that he’d never found the courage to show him. But Merlin is here now, safe and sound and it's all Arthur wants to focus on.

Because there is only so much sand left in Arthur’s lifeglass...

And it makes him weak, unable to resist.

He doesn’t want to die without having this, without the taste of Merlin’s lips, he’s been craving for ages. He wants to stroke his fingers through Merlin’s hair, kiss the hollow of his throat. And before he realizes what he's doing, his hand touching Merlin’s face, fingers skimming over his cheeks, down the length of his jaw while his eyes drinking thirstily in the sight of that lovely, wide-eyed face.

“Arthur, what--” Merlin starts with a gasp,

“Merlin, “ he warns softly, putting an end to it. (Leave it to Merlin to completely miss intimation when it really matters.) But his mouth turns up into a gentle smile even as he rolls his eyes. Then his hand slides down and palms the side of Merlin's neck, tucking his thumb at the bolt of his jaw.

Something flickers behind Merlin’s eyes and it lights up with a spark-- something Arthur usually pretends not to see --- and Arthur' s throat feels tight. "Shut up," voice rough, he huffs.

A weird feeling churns in Arthur’s gut, a confused mix of fear and hope and want— want - that swirling inside him sharp and furious --- and it doesn't stop, just doesn't.

So, with his heart crashing loudly against his chest, so loudly, he is sure Merlin can hear it in the quiet, he crowds closer, and lets his fingers card through the soft strands of Merlin's hair, before he tips his head a little up, then leans in and kisses Merlin’s mouth.

............

Softly at first, testing. Then with a murmur of satisfaction, deeper, so that Merlin's lips part and warm. Merlin makes a soft, surprised noise into it, but he fists his hands in Arthur’s chain mail and pulls him closer.

Arthur curls his fingers into Merlin’s' hair and tugs a little more until they're kissing right.

Merlin’s heat and the wet drag of their lips is just perfect... He feels Merlin's breath sighs out and into his mouth, feels his pulse throbbing just under his fingers. He holds Merlin' s face in his hands, and kisses him again, and again, and again. Merlin slides his tongue slowly over Arthur's lower lip and it makes Arthur shiver and gasp, sending goosebumps rippling up his back. His mind blurring with astonished pleasure, even more astonishing greed, he is mumbling Merlin’s name, and when Merlin’s mouth falls open around a moan, he slips his tongue inside, and the slow curl of their tongues makes arousal beat under Arthur's skin like a drum.

When they pull apart for air, Merlin trails his fingers over Arthur's lips and Arthur can't stop himself from opening his mouth and wetting the tips of them with his tongue. Merlin grunts out a noise, and the look in his eyes dig at the heat coiling in Arthur’s gut.

"God, Merlin," Arthur hisses. He can't catch his breath. He stands and stretches out a hand to help Merlin up. " _You_ ─ come here,"

He glances around in the darkness. But everything is still, nobody seems to be up yet. His hand clutching Merlin’s as he drags him out of the room.  
.............

They end up just outside the hall, wind gusting inside around them, Merlin pressed between the wall and Arthur...and Arthur almost laughed.

They'd been circling around this for years -- even if he'd never been able to make himself act on it -- and after all the wanting and waiting and reckless nights, there’s something painfully ironic about it happening now and here, in this crumbled building, with his knights sleeping ten feet away in the room... and he is about to die.

He’s thought of this, imagined it a thousand times, but none of his fantasies were like this. He wanted to worship Merlin’s body, to explore every inch, but he knows they don't have time. Nor the place for that.

So much wasted time...

He leans in and drags small, wet kisses over Merlin's face. Then he tucks his head under Merlin's chin, his lips tagging the collar of Merlin's shirt to find his skin, and he closes his eyes as he presses his mouth to the hollow of Merlin’s throat, over the place of his crazy pulse. He presses a kiss there once─twice and feels the way Merlin’s throat flutters. When he sucks a mark into Merlin’s smooth, pale skin, Merlin shivers and makes a low, breathless noise that goes straight to Arthur's cock. He's sliding his hand up over Arthur’s arm and curls his fingers into Arthur’s hair, his thumb stroking the dip behind Arthur’s ear before he tugs gently on Arthur’s head.

Arthur turns his head a little, brushing his lips against Merlin's thumb before he slides up with hot, open-mouthed kisses along the long, fluttering line of Merlin's neck. He looks up and drags his eyes over Merlin’s face. The pink flush of Merlin’s cheeks, the wreck Arthur‘s made of his hair, the heat in his eyes, his red, kiss-swollen lips─ and seeing him like this ...It's just ─ _God_.

He always knew Merlin would ruin him-and ruin him completely and for everybody else- if they ever had this. But the living, pulsing current inside, the sparking around Arthur's heart, between his ribs; still takes him by surprise. It's huge and deep and endless and... terrifying; this love, he has for Merlin.

"Merlin," he whispers, a knot twisting in the back of his throat as he palms the side of Merlin’s neck and draws him in into a kiss.

‘’Yeah. I know. I’m here,’’ Merlin breathes into his mouth. He skims his fingers down the side of Arthur‘s face, and then they're kissing, sloppy and desperate.

 

They are shifting against each other slowly until they're both hard and breathless. Arthur can't keep his hands out of Merlin's hair, and when Merlin gets his thigh between Arthur's and curves his hand over Arthur 's ass, everything turns hot and deep and wet.

Arthur nudges himself tighter against Merlin's front. He dips his hands underneath Merlin's shirt and slides them over Merlin's fever hot skin, then flattens his palm at the small of his back before trails his fingers up to the stretch between Merlin's shoulders. Merlin digs his nails into the back of Arthur's neck and sucks on Arthur's tongue, then his teeth catch on the well of Arthur's lip, nibbling it until Arthur is gasping and heat pools in his gut as more and more blood rushes to his cock.

"Merlin," he chokes out again, clutching Merlin's shoulders, and he's arching up and up and up ─ trying to get closer, trying to get more.

He rubs his erection against Merlin's and he can feel the heat through their breeches. He starts to roll his hips, twisting until their cocks are lined up, so when they do rub together it's a sweet shock, jolting through Arthur like lightning. He's grinding himself slowly along Merlin, relishing the sensation of the perfect synchrony of their rocking- the friction - the closeness- and the heat of Merlin's mouth.

Merlin moans quietly and pulls him even closer, his fingers digging into Arthur's skin hard enough to bruise. Arthur chokes out a deep, desperate noise against Merlin's mouth before he dips his head and sucks another mark into the hollow of Merlin's throat.

God, how much he wishes they were somewhere else— in his bedchambers, in the woods— somewhere, he could take off Merlin's clothes and kiss every inch of his skin. Somewhere, where he could unlace Merlin's breeches and wrap his hand around the length of his hardness. He wants to touch Merlin so badly he can taste it in the back of his throat, but he doesn't dare risk it here, not when any of his knights could walk out on them, not when they're already making more noise than they should.

He knows neither of them will last long. He feels he is too close already- so close that he's shaking with it. His blood is on fire, thundering under his skin. A hot shiver runs through him when Merlin thrusts into him, again and again... He slides his hands down to curve them around Merlin's ass so he can track the roll of his hips, and Merlin's back arching and his hand twisting in Arthur's hair as he keeps moving against him.

The heat coiling tighter and tighter in Arthur's gut. His toes curl and he can't help the deep, throaty noise he makes that makes Merlins' eyes darken with want. His fingers bite into the curve of Merlin's ass as he's pressing and rubbing himself harder against the length of Merlin, needy and desperate ─ so close, so close.

Merlin murmurs, "Yes, yes," and drags a wet, open-mouthed kiss down the line of Arthur's jaw, "I want to see you come," and it hits Arthur like a punch.

He comes in his breaches like a green-eared youth, his eyes closed and Merlin biting kisses along the side of his neck. His dick pulsing as everything under his skin sparks and rushes and thrums. When it finally ends, he opens his eyes and finds Merlin watching him, his eyes wide and burning before his whole body shivers and he says Arthur's name over and over when he comes.

....

Arthur strokes Merlin's hair and face, "I knew you'd be beautiful like this," he breathes with awe, then slumps his forehead against Merlin's and tries to remember how to breathe. His legs still shaking, he pulls Merlin against his chest and presses a gentle kiss to Merlin's temple before he hides his face in Merlin's neck. Breathing him in, he closes his eyes and waits for their heart to stop pounding so hard.

 Merlin makes a soft, thoughtful noise, his fingers begin to move in soothing circles over Arthur's back, and Arthur's heart clenches. A weight burrows into his chest, twisting until it feels sharp and tight.

He kisses the side of Merlin’s jaw and strokes his thumb over his face, at the corner of his mouth. "Merlin—You — I'm—" Arthur clears his throat once, twice. "Never do that again,... “ He pauses... ”—If you die on my again, I — I-- “ is all Arthur can say, before his voice's breaking down.

"I’m sorry. I won't," Merlin promises, catching Arthur’s wrist. "I won't."

"Do you have any idea what it did to me?" Arthur asks, his voice raw and rough. His arms tightening, his fingers curling around Merlin’s body, he's pressing his face harder into the hollow of Merlin’s throat. “ To see you-- "

"I'm sorry." Merlin whispers again. Then he leans back his head and looks Arthur in the eyes. His eyes are sad, worried, and even though there is a look of distress on his face, he musters up a soft, warm smile that somehow still manages to make Arthur’s chest ache. He stares at Arthur some more before he moves his mouth against Arthur‘s cheek, over the shell of his ear, the warmth of his breath sending a hot shiver down Arthur’s spine. "Arthur, promise me you will let me try to find an other way," he demands, soft but stern, and his hand drops to intertwine his fingers with Arthur’s, "You know that, right? Know what you mean to me? What it'd do to  _me_ if you--"

" Yeah. I know....I know, now.” Arthur cuts in, “Yeah, all right,--- I will---I'll let you." he whispers against the side of Merlin's mouth.

He is not sure if he will have a chance to keep that promise, if he will even live that long, but Merlin is sliding his fingers into his hair, his other hand curving around Arthur’s face and he is kissing him again, and for now, it’s all that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote it yesterday night after rewatching this episode. It was raining and lighting and cold for the whole night, so it might just reflect my mood. But don't worry, I won't leave it here. I'm a sucker for happy ending.


End file.
